Flash forward to April 4, 2017, you are in Springfield, Massachusetts attending the Hall of Fame induction speech for Kevin Garnett. Mr. Garnett, having amassed over 28,000 points, 14,000 rebounds and 2,100 blocks, was an obvious, unanimous, first-ballot Hall of Famer. Let’s take a listen to his speech…should be a good one.
Whoops…wait one second…KG just got on all fours and barked like a dog at one of the servers after successfully taking two drinks from her after she said he could only have one. OK, he has finally made his way to the podium. Here we go…
“Thank you, thank you. Your applause is sincerely appreciated…now shut the hell up. Y’all didn’t do anything to get in here – I DID.
“First and foremost…Thank you to my BFF Brian Scalabrine – I love you boo. I could not have accomplished any of this without you.
“Very few individuals have the opportunity to do what they love for the duration of the career and since my basketball career has ended, I have been one of those people. As you, back in 2012 I created the worlds largest gerbil farm. Man, I love those gerbils.
“But back to my time in the NBA…I was fortunate enough to be drafted by the Minnesota Timberwolves straight out of high school – it was a dream come true. Well after playing there, in the bitter cold, for twelve miserable years, I realized it was hell on earth. Sure, I was the face of that franchise, but when your best supporting cast consists of an E.T. look-a-like (Cassell) and a dude that can’t feed his family on $14 million (Sprewell), you start to realize that there are better options out there.
“Well after pouting and demanding a trade, I finally got the trade I had hoped for – I was traded to the Boston Celtics. I can truly say I had no idea I would be traded; I was shocked. I mean, how could a team that I worked so hard for trade me away like that? Anyways, I was happy to be in Boston, I was proud to be a Celtic, but not too proud to ride the coattails of Paul Pierce on our way to a championship.
“As I stood at half court, with some lady trying to interview, I began to yell and cackle like a moron, ‘top of the world! TOP OF THE WORLD!!!’ Well that truly was the top of my career – what goes up, must come down…and I came down hard after that. The following season I spent most of the season on the bench nursing an injury. The season after that, the Lakers beat us in the finals and crushed my soul…again.
“It didn’t get any better from there. Sure, we beat the hyped-up, overrated Heat in the 2010-11 Eastern Conference Finals, but we lost to the Lakers, again, in the Finals. The following season, we did the impossible – we were the first ever ninth seed to make the NBA Finals (winks toward David Stern). Unfortunately, we lost to the Lakers both times.
“Overall, I am very happy with my career. I scored and rebounded more than that fat piece of garbage, Charles Barkley, did. I won an NBA championship, which is one more than LeBron ever won. But enough about me, I’d like to make mention of some my rivals during my time in the Association.
“Joe Smith, Antonio McDyess, Jerry Stackhouse and Rasheed Wallace…All of you were selected before me in the 1995 NBA Draft and I made it a point to become better than all of you. Thankfully, I didn’t have to try that hard. Oh and Rasheed…will you finally dye that gray patch on the back of your head? Aren’t you sick and tired of looking like a skunk?
“Tim Duncan…TIMMY! I spent my entire career having to match up with the ‘Big Fundamental’ and I owned him every single time we played. Let me be clear – I was, am and always will be better than Mr. Duncan. Sure, he had four championships, but he had the personality of a sleeping horse’s ass. I knew that every time I stepped on the court with him that I would demoralize him, how couldn’t I? This is the same guy that got punked by all five feet five inches of Joey Crawford.
“The next guy is someone who I affectionately call the, ‘California Carpetbagger with a funny accent and jacked up facial hair’. That’s right, you guys already got it – Dirk Nowitzki. There actually isn’t much that needs to be said here, since he accomplished nothing during his time in the L. Did you really expect him to do anything? Here was a guy who was more concerned about his hair than Sasha Vujacic was. Oh yeah, he would hum David Hasselhoff songs when shooting free throws…I’m not saying he’s gay, and there’s nothing wrong with it, but come on…
“Stephon Marbury – you stupid mother-f*#!3r! Thanks for bailing on me homie…thanks for ruining a great thing.
“The Black Mamba, Kobe Freaking Bryant. What can I say? I hate you dawg. You eliminated me from the playoffs more than anyone else in my career. I had to live in your shadow throughout the duration of my career. At least I never had to by wifey a $4 million, ‘Don’t divorce me and take 50%’ ring. Sucker!
“In conclusion, I would like you all to know that I honestly and sincerely feel that I am the greatest power forward to ever play the game of basketball. Simply put, I am the man. Thank you and goodnight!